Working with Protectors

My favorite and primary therapy modality is Internal Family Systems (IFS). IFS has been nicknamed “Self-therapy” because the goal is building a relationship between Self (our wholeness or core) and Parts (the many subpersonalities that exist in our internal system).

When our Self energy is in the lead, there is an inherent sense that all is well. We understand that we have all we need, and we have ready access to our internal resources. When we are Self-led, we feel confident, calm, creative, compassionate, curious, connected, clear, and courageous. We also have patience, we’re able to access our playfulness, we find we can hold multiple perspectives at once, and we are present with what is happening in the moment.

Of course, there are times when we are not Self-led; when the qualities of Self become overshadowed by, for example, a worry, an irritation, or a sense of shame. These are examples of Protector energy. Protective parts have a story, and they play a role in our internal system.

• The need to return to the house to make sure you turned the stove off comes from a Protector.

• The urge to text your friend to make sure they’re not angry at you comes from a Protector.

• The scowl prompted by finding out your teen is still playing video games at 2am comes from a Protector.

• Leaving the room when the conversation turns serious comes from a Protector.

• Berating yourself when you make a mistake — that too comes from a Protector.

What we know about Protectors is that they are stuck in time. There was a time, perhaps very long ago, when the system was threatened and this part felt it had to take on this role. Today, to that part, nothing has changed; the emergency still exists.

In IFS, we connect Self, with its acceptance, compassion, and wisdom, with these Protectors. Mind you, Protectors will only trust Self if they are met with understanding, respect, and appreciation. They want Self to really “get it” — the important role they play in the system, what might happen if they were to stop doing what they do, and how hard they work to guard the vulnerabilities they perceive.

Fortunately, Self is up to the task.

But Protectors don’t know about Self. They think they are working in isolation: “It’s all up to ME!” So, we introduce Self to Protectors by asking the Protectors about themselves — and then listening with the kind of deep attention we all long for, giving them the messages,

• I see you.

• I hear you.

• I believe you.

• I value you.

• You belong.

To build a Self-to-Protector relationship, you need to be sure it’s Self connecting to the protective part. Ask yourself, “How do I feel toward this part?” Self will feel genuine curiosity, openness to the Protector’s perspective, appreciative of its efforts (even while understanding that these efforts may have negative consequences). Self seeks clarity about how the part feels and what it has experienced and through it all, feels deep respect and compassion for the Protector.

If we find we’re feeling ways that don’t align with Self, that just means another part has come up — maybe another Protector who sees things differently. We can recognize that part too. Recognizing a part helps the part relax, and often the part will be willing to wait and watch while you get to know the Protector better.

Some questions we might ask a Protector:

• How are you feeling?

• What are your concerns?

• What is it you’d like me (Self) to know?

• What is your role in our system?

• What would you like to see happen?

• What are you afraid might happen if you don’t do this job?

• How old were you when you took on this role?

• How old do you think I am? (Often, the Protector thinks we are still the age we were when it felt it had to take on the role.)

• Do you like your job, or do you just feel obligated to do it?

• Are you achieving what you hoped for in this role?

• What do you need from me (Self) right now?

Protectors won’t be able to fully relax until they feel that the vulnerable part they are protecting is healed. But when they feel recognized and understood by Self, they will be increasingly able to be calmed, even in situations that might have previously felt very stressful. Protectors can understand that Self is on the job, so they don’t have to work so hard.

In relationships, we do better when we have Self-to-Protector relationships, because we can communicate what’s happening for us internally. We can speak for our parts (rather than from our parts). For example, “When you said that you were going to play basketball on Saturday, I noticed that a part of me felt a twinge of irritation. That’s the Protector part of me who doesn’t want my heart to get broken again, and it thinks your choosing to play basketball means you might be losing interest in me. I’m going to take a minute to connect with that part now.” That’s a lot more honest (and helpful) than, “Okay, go play basketball. I’ll just be packing my things, then,” which is what an activated Protector might say.

With Protectors — whether our own or a loved one’s, the phrase to remember is, “Seek to understand.” As they feel understood, they relax. And when they relax, you are more Self-led. And really, there is nothing more helpful than that to leading an integrated, fulfilling life.

Which protector might be asking for your attention right now? If you’d like, you can offer it some time (about half an hour) to get to know it using the meditation on this page: Getting to Know a Part.