Othering and Belonging
At the time this I’m writing this post, disconnection is in the zeitgeist. Accusations, cut-offs, smear campaigns, and canceling are all the rage. To say this is creating (and is due to) division in our society is an understatement. But it may also be an opportunity. While it would have been far less disruptive for us to learn these lessons differently, now that this situation is upon us, we can begin learning from it, which should help us move to a new stage of growth, both as individuals and as a society.
Othering
Examples of “othering” aren’t hard to find right now, but they’ve always been with us. Sometimes, even our sense of belonging implicitly includes a de facto “othering.” School pride, sports team loyalty, family ties, group membership — all of these are predicated on including certain people and excluding others.
In his book, The Power of Bridging, john a. powell describes the shock of realizing that his religion had no viable route for people who had never heard of their god to get to Heaven. He felt a deep sense of belonging in his church until the day that the leader could not explain how their god could condemn millions of people simply for being born in a region where this religion was not practiced. This exclusion seemed unfair, unreasonable, and even unholy to him, and it caused a rift between him and all those he thought he belonged to.
Noticeably, members of his church were not angry at the people who were excluded. They were aware of them and even wished them well, yet because they were not within the definition of their group, an assumption was made that they were not to be included in the group’s eternal reward. This felt real to them. It was based on tradition, as well as assumptions interpreted from an ancient text. And even john’s questions and challenges from within could not change the group’s beliefs.
What john longed for was a world of belonging, where people’s differences were acknowledged and respected, and when there was conflict, bridges would be built between those with differing perspectives that would keep them in connection, rather than exiling people for believing differently. This is what he has been working for over his long career.
Of course, with Internal Family Systems, we see the same dynamics in our internal systems.
Othering in the Internal World
Internal "othering" similarly occurs when parts of ourselves acquire beliefs, based on assumptions and interpretations we glean from our early environments, that lead us to label some parts as acceptable while casting others into the shadows. External criticism can be internalized as inner criticism, for example, where parts of us deemed negative or undesirable by those we love are then pushed away or rejected internally as a means of protecting ourselves from further external rejection. For instance, when we experience shame, we might develop a narrative that this emotion reveals a flawed character, leading to a disconnection from the feeling that might manifest in a number of different defense strategies, from masking with humor to sublimating with substance use to distancing with distraction or dissociation.
This internal othering can exacerbate feelings of isolation and anxiety, because we are repeating the original injury over and over again. It makes us anxious because we don’t know where to go with our feelings. It makes us sad because we’re not accepted, even by our own parts. And it makes us angry because, damn it, it isn’t fair! By failing to acknowledge, embrace, and integrate these parts, we inadvertently foster an internal environment of conflict and fragmentation — yes, much like the one we’re witnessing in our society today.
What’s more, this internal “othering” makes us more sensitive to others’ responses to us. We can have difficulty in even our most intimate relationships when those tender places are touched, making us more sensitive to external “othering,” and therefore more likely to feel wounded.
The Need for Belonging
On the other hand, "belonging" within our internal system involves recognizing the importance of every part of ourselves. It’s about creating a sense of safety, acceptance, and understanding for both the “positive” (read: accepted) and “challenging” (read: challenged) emotions we experience. When we foster belonging, we cultivate an internal landscape where every part can coexist harmoniously, contributing to our overall well-being.
Belonging allows us to appreciate the role of all our internal parts. For example, our inner critic may stem from a protective instinct; it might seek to prevent us from engaging in situations that lead to disappointment or rejection. Acknowledging this role can help us to understand its purpose rather than rejecting it outright.
When we feel belonging inside, we are better able to relate to those outside. We’re less sensitive to othering by others because we aren’t doing it to ourselves. We’re more relaxed; more in the flow of life; more able to build bridges with those who see things differently. Those internal parts who had been hiding in the shadows aren’t afraid to be seen by others anymore because they no longer feel ashamed.
So, how do we get there?
Befriending Our Parts
To foster a sense of belonging within our internal system, we get to practice befriending our parts. Here are some ways to develop this supportive relationship:
Mindful Awareness: W begin by observing our inner dialogue without judgment. Notice the different parts that emerge in various situations and how they interact with one another. We can even draw a “parts map” around each situation that seems to create internal conflict. We’re asking the question, “Who is here?”
Naming and Acknowledging: Give voice to the different parts identified in the first step. Naming them can help create a sense of distance and allows for easier communication and understanding. For example, we might refer to an inner critic as "Severus” and an inner organizer as “Kondo.” This can be a playful and fun exercise, helping each part feel both truly seen and fully embraced for who they are.
Compassionate Inquiry: Engage in a dialogue with each part. Ask them questions about their feelings, desires, and fears. Listen actively and compassionately. This process can reveal valuable insights about their motivations and intentions.
Integration Practices: Work on embracing the parts you have previously cast aside by building bridges between the parts “in charge” and the parts they want to exclude. This step may often involve creative expression, as art can be a very effective bridge between world views. Visualizing a team meeting where all parts are invited to express their views can also be particularly effective.
Self-Compassion: Cultivate an attitude of kindness toward yourself in your daily life. Understand that each part plays a role in your life and deserves acknowledgment and compassion. This may mean reorganizing your day so as to include parts who might traditionally be overlooked or purposefully ignored. We can examine which parts we’re favoring and which we’re overlooking in our daily life and see how that aligns with our value to be inclusive.
Which part of you would like to feel more included today? What kind of bridge are you willing to build to help that happen?
