Taking Care of the Tender Places: Whose Job Is It?

There is a subtle question in the air in couples therapy, and even in relationships in general. It’s floating in the air in public spaces and at the family dinner table. Here’s one version of this question: “What am I responsible for, and what are you responsible for?”

For example, if my partner gets mad at me because I looked at my phone during a conversation, does that mean I need to be more conscious about being present in our conversations, or does my partner need to work on not needing me to behave in a certain way to be content in the relationship?

What do you think?

As it turns out, people often have very clear ideas about who should be doing the changing. These ideas are shaped by personality type, by childhood training and modeling, by shifts in culture, and by their own personal growth work.

But maybe there is no one right answer. Sure, it’s nice to be considerate of others’ feelings and sensitive to their needs. And yes, it’s also useful to work on our own places of wounding that might make us reactive to certain triggers.

When we work from an attachment perspective, we’re often thinking of how co-regulation works. When I’m met with compassion, sincere curiosity, and connection, I feel safe to let my defenses down. I am then better able to explore why I’m triggered and get vulnerable with my partner. And of course, if I don’t feel safe and I’m in fight/flight or freeze mode, I’m unable to learn or connect.

As a therapist, I can see how much easier it is for a person to do deep inner work when their partner or family member is in that supportive mode. It’s often the case that a gentle touch or a slow nod of the head from a partner can nudge a vulnerable part toward healing and repair. Here’s how that would go in the phone example:

I’d acknowledge that looking at my phone must’ve seemed dismissive to my partner, and I would ask them to tell me more about that. My partner might explain how, as a youngest child, they often felt like their needs were barely tolerated because the family had so much else going on. I might then initiate a relational repair, like holding my partner and telling them how important they are to me. This would offer that young part in my partner a kind of corrective experience, where they were able to say how they felt and be comforted.

And then there’s the other side, which is when a person is able to go inside and find the answer within. In these cases, the individual does repair work internally and brings that spirit to the couple. We could say that this is coming from an individuated — or differentiated — perspective. The partner is taking responsibility for their feelings and seeking to repair the wound themself, then sharing the experience with the partner as a way of healing the rift between them. Let’s look at an example of that:

My partner admits to being triggered by my looking at my phone, then says, “I’m going to take a minute to see what that trigger’s about,” and closes their eyes. I might go make us a cup of tea or just sit quietly in support. My partner then explains that the sensitivity comes from feeling like they were in the way a lot as a child, and they just did some healing work with the part that feels that way. My partner would then thank me for listening and supporting their work. I might then let them know that I regret looking at my phone and do my own inner work around why I’m so responsive to my phone beeping! We can both laugh at our human fallibility and move on from there.

Neither way of operating is better than the other, and either might work in any given situation. Most couples find a balance that works for them, and usually it’s a combination of respecting one another’s sensitivities while working toward healing their own hurt places. Doing both builds trust in and respect for one another.

“I take full responsibility for my own experience,” AND “I appreciate your being gentle with my tender places.” Individuation and attachment.

The balance may begin with one partner needing more safety from the other and one doing more inner work. That’s not pathological, that’s life! We all evolve in different ways. One partner might need more co-regulation for awhile, while they build the skill to work internally. The other might need to work more internally while they build courage to trust another person with their vulnerability.

So yes, we are all working toward being whole and complete. And yes, we do still need each other. Both are true, and both ways of healing are to be celebrated.