Stages of Therapy
No matter what type of therapy people are in (individual, couples, groups), there seems to be a pattern to therapy. It can help to know this in advance. Some people enter therapy in the middle stages, and some come even when they’re at a latter stage. But if you are or someone you know is considering therapy for the first time, it might help you to understand what’s often going on in the mind of the client and the therapist. See if this fits for you…
First, there’s defining the issue or issues that the client wants to work on. This isn’t always (or even often) clear-cut. An individual may come in thinking he needs help communicating better with his partner but soon start to recognize that he doesn’t really trust himself. Or a couple may come in to stop fighting in front of the children and recognize that their deeper issue is that they’ve both feeling incredibly lonely since the kids came along. In this stage, the therapist knows that issues aren’t always clear-cut, and they just want to help the client get to (or close to) the root of things, so the problem is well and truly solved, not just bandaged over.
Second, there’s a stage of resistance. Clients come to therapy with defenses — protective mechanisms — that have served them well over the years. Well, for the most part. They haven’t been perfect, and often what leads the person to therapy is some chink in the armor. Still, that armor has been the only thing that stands between the client and seeming (a key word here) annihilation, so the client is understandably attached. These defenses range from “My parents did the best they could, so I don’t need to talk about my childhood,” to “I’ve just always been this way, and I don’t see how it’s possible to change,” to “I’m just not sure I need therapy.” All of these thoughts and statements are not only a-okay; they’re expected. Therapists get that these defense mechanisms have served an important function, and they’re not interested in overthrowing the regime. We can work with whatever the client’s system is comfortable acknowledging as a solid starting point. And we can still hold space for the next stage.
Third, there may be the beginnings of recognizing that while those protective statements certainly hold some water, there may be a few leaks in the container of stories-we-tell-ourselves. Memories might start to come up that reveal our parents’ weaknesses or our own vulnerability. We might also recognize that while change is difficult, it is sometimes necessary for our personal growth or to maintain our important connections. At this stage, clients may start feeling anger and frustration. Questions may come up around caretakers’ behavior or partners’ actions, or their own. This stage can feel very disruptive to clients, and they sometimes want to escape the therapy process to escape these feelings. At this stage, the therapist is usually feeling a whole lot of compassion for the client. We know how it feels to transition away from the patterns of protection we learned long ago to new ways of being that expose our vulnerability. We think of this as the “goo” stage of metamorphosis, when the caterpillar dissolves and has no idea what is happening or how it will survive. The therapist is holding the space for the butterfly to emerge, but we know that it’s not going to be an easy transition.
The fourth stage begins when the client starts recognizing the benefits of letting go of the old ways. They see how empowering it can be to name the problems they’ve experienced, feel the feelings associated with those challenges, and (eventually) recognize the universality of our experience. The client can still feel a bit shaky in this stage, and they’re often still feeling a little vulnerable. The therapist is thrilled at this point, because they recognize that the new body and wings have formed. As the client gains momentum and the resistance to the new practices diminishes, the therapist celebrates the outcome they’ve been imagining for the client since the beginning.
And finally, the client starts trusting themself and enjoying this new way of being. This is when most clients start wondering how they can be of service to others. Therapists honor the journey and the courage it has taken for their client to trust the process. As the client has been able to metabolize the emotions of the past so they no longer affect the present — at least not as noticeably — there is little need to continue meeting regularly. The therapist remains accessible but rejoices that the client has successfully navigated a difficult transition and can be a resource for others.
