“Being with” a Part
In Internal Family Systems therapy, we’re often asking ourselves to be with a part that’s hurting or angry or fearful. Resistance to “being with” a part can be pretty strong, initially. It’s a foreign concept to most of us. Instinctively, we’re wired to avoid pain, so why would we want to sit there and feel it?
Because that’s what works.
Imagine a child playing in his backyard with a few friends. The friends start making a road in the sandbox with their trucks and tell the child there’s no room for him to play. Naturally, the pain of being excluded arises in the boy. This feeling of exclusion and the hurt that goes with it is biologically wired into him (into us all) as an adaptive mechanism that keeps us remembering how important it is to be part of the social fabric. Our neurobiology tells us that we might die if we are cut off from our people. So, the boy gets physical signals of alarm — a hot feeling (cortisol) rises from his midsection and travels to his heart, which beats faster. His limbs become rigid. He wants to run, and in fact he does run to the house.
He’s looking for connection, because connection is what heals this hurt of exclusion. We hope (and let’s imagine now, for the sake of our compassionate parts) that when he runs to the sliding glass door, he’s met with a caregiver kneeling with arms open and ready to comfort him. His heartbeat returns to normal, the heat subsides a bit, and his tears flow, releasing the stress hormones. Maybe the caregiver even intervenes in a loving way, helping the sandbox children get excited about including the child.
Of course, we don’t always have that available caregiver ready to offer comfort, but now that we’re all grown up, we have the capacity to be that caregiver for ourselves. We can metaphorically welcome ourselves with open arms, listen to the part that hurts, allow it to feel however it feels for as long as the part needs to feel it. And we can transmit to the part our confidence that all is well, in the larger scheme of things; that we can handle it; that we will heal. We can communicate that there is a bigger picture in which we’re safe, loved, and connected, even when it feels in a given moment as though we’re not any of those things.
A surprising thing? It only takes a moment. Try putting your hand on your heart and breathing into that space. Then offer understanding and comfort, in the form of words (“I’m so sorry that happened. You do belong. I’m here. I care.”), or images (visualize your wise, loving self holding your wounded part), or breath (continue breathing into the heart space while noticing the increased spaciousness the breath creates).
Two things are happening here. First, we’re acknowledging the pain. That’s no small thing, and it makes a big difference for our parts. It’s a way of saying, “I see you,” and that just isn’t a message our parts get a lot, so it is immediately calming. Second, by offering ourselves comfort, we are acknowledging in a visceral way that the hurt is one part — an important part — but it is not all of us. There is a larger “me” we call Self energy that is capable of holding and caring for parts; that sees the bigger picture.
Yes, it can feel weird at first. We’ve been trained to avoid anger, sadness, and fear. But the parts feeling those feelings crave recognition and support and the freedom to feel.
Find the part in or around your body. Maybe place your hands there. Let the part know you’re listening and that you care. Let it know it can feel what it’s feeling, and you will remain present and non-judgmental. Breathe into the part. Watch the expansion of the space around the feeling. Be with the part as the feeling moves through it. Thank the part for trusting you to share this moment. Repeat as often as possible.
